• Elaine Zito

Why My Husband Didn't Save Me, and How I Saved Myself

You know how there’s those women out there that say their significant other saved them? Whether it be from depression, an ex, self destructive ways, bad drinking habits etc., many women give recognition to their spouse for coming into their life and saving them from who they were. Well that’s a lot of credit to give to someone else. And a lot of power with it! I’m not saying they can’t positively affect change in your life, I’m just saying maybe you should give yourself more credit. I hope my story can help someone out there realize that they are in control of their own selves and the only way to change is to do it yourself.

Before I met my husband I had lost my charisma and joy. I was in a very verbally abusive relationship where the person tried to control my mind and every move. I had also been through a bankruptcy and dealt with some bullying in high school. With all of that being said, I lost who I was. I became very quiet, and didn’t feel like I could trust my judgement. I was timid and scared of people who were very dominant. I had no confidence and felt like I lost my voice. 

When I met my husband, I had just moved to a new town. I was excited that no one knew me there so I saw it as an opportunity to be who I really am with no judgements or knowledge of my past. With my best foot forward, I essentially put on a show. Even though I appeared to be back to my normal confident, charismatic self, I was still very broken on the inside. Once I met and began dating my now husband, my true insecurities started to come out. It took awhile but they slowly seeped out with progress in our relationship (moving in together, working together etc.) In my husbands eyes (who doesn’t know anything about the trauma I went through, except the bankruptcy) he did not understand my behaviors. He didn’t give me much leeway or understanding when it came to instances where I became lazy, scared, timid, or crying over someone I let affect me. And while many outsiders and I at the time saw this as inconsiderate, I now realize it’s exactly what I needed. He showed tough love because he saw who I could be before those insecurities started showing. He gives me a lot of credit but holds me to a high standard. I couldn’t be more thankful and grateful he was hard on me. It forced me to do something about my attitude and emotions. I was holding on to my past pain and letting it define me. So I took control and went to therapy. I would do anything to not feel like the whole world was against me. I worked hard to read positive motivating books, surrounded myself with better people, used less social media and worked through my problems. Slowly and surely I’ve come out on top. And while I didn’t have my husbands hand to lead the way, I had his tough love to straighten up and snap out of it. But I did it... ALL ON MY OWN. And for those of you wondering why I don’t just tell my husband my past issues and then maybe he would have understood, it’s not that easy. And what man wants to hear how another man broke you? I didn’t want to seem broken. And I didn’t want to give him the responsibility of fixing me, because that’s not what he signed up for. I am responsible of who I am and how I feel, and I no longer will allow others to affect me drastically like that. 

So thank you Allyn for always believing in me, but not letting me walk all over you. Because of that, I have worked harder, gotten smarter, become more independent and confident. I feel like I have finally found my charisma and joy again. 

xoxo, Isla Girl